Mother's Comments Effect Daughter's Self-Esteem

Cherie Bennett
Thu, 02 Aug 2012 00:00:00 -0700
Lifestyle

Hey, Cherie!

I'm in a bad fight with my mother, and I feel horrible about it. Everyone in my family is a little chubby. Not super fat or anything, but not exactly thin, either. We are Italian, and we all love to eat. Plus, we would rather watch sports on TV than play them. Well, my parents always said we were fine just the way we were and I always believed them. I didn't think much about the fact that I weigh 20 pounds more than my skinny friends. I know lots of girls way fatter than me. No biggie.

Well, my mom just turned 40 and it really freaked her out. I know 40 is old, but like my grandfather says, "What's the alternative?" Ha-ha. Anyway, ever since her birthday, she's been depressed. Suddenly, she hates the way she looks. She'll try on a dozen outfits before going out to dinner with my dad, or she'll stand in front of her bedroom mirror pulling on her stomach or making her arms jiggle. Then she'll talk about how fat and gross she is. She only wears a size 12 or 14 so that doesn't seem so fat or gross to me. And she wears the exact same size she wore when she said she was healthy. Oh, and she likes to make brownies for dessert.
Updated: Wed Aug 01, 2012

Hey, Cherie!

I'm in a bad fight with my mother, and I feel horrible about it. Everyone in my family is a little chubby. Not super fat or anything, but not exactly thin, either. We are Italian, and we all love to eat. Plus, we would rather watch sports on TV than play them. Well, my parents always said we were fine just the way we were and I always believed them. I didn't think much about the fact that I weigh 20 pounds more than my skinny friends. I know lots of girls way fatter than me. No biggie.

Well, my mom just turned 40 and it really freaked her out. I know 40 is old, but like my grandfather says, "What's the alternative?" Ha-ha. Anyway, ever since her birthday, she's been depressed. Suddenly, she hates the way she looks. She'll try on a dozen outfits before going out to dinner with my dad, or she'll stand in front of her bedroom mirror pulling on her stomach or making her arms jiggle. Then she'll talk about how fat and gross she is. She only wears a size 12 or 14 so that doesn't seem so fat or gross to me. And she wears the exact same size she wore when she said she was healthy. Oh, and she likes to make brownies for dessert.

I get this weird feeling when she puts herself down, like, she's saying it about me and not about her (I look a lot like my mom, except my nose is different). So the other day when she was putting herself down for the zillionth time since her birthday, I said, "If you think you're fat, that means you are. I'm fat." She said no, she didn't think that. But then she just kept saying these mean things about herself and before I could stop myself, I yelled, "Shut up!" My family all heard this and was shocked, including me. We were raised to respect our parents and I never, ever said that to my mom before.

So now we're in this fight. I know I shouldn't have said "Shut up!" but it makes me feel really bad inside when she puts herself down. It's like my mom turned into a different person and I don't like this mom very much at all. I don't know why it makes me feel so bad, but it does. I wish my mom were like she used to be.

— Maybe Body Snatchers Got My Mom

Hey, Maybe!

Nice sci-fi spin you put on that, but I have a feeling it wasn't body snatchers that got your mom; it was turning 40 that freaked her out. I love what your grandfather said about getting older. My grandfather used to say, "I've been your age; you've never been mine." And that's true. You can't know what it feels like for your mom to turn 40, but for whatever reason, it's doing a big ol' number on her self-esteem. Now in a mushy movie, your dad would be so sensitive to this that he'd treat her like she was a goddess and make special efforts to reinforce how beautiful he thinks she is. Unfortunately, many men are oblivious to this, which is why women like me write movies where men say the stuff we wish they'd say.

You would be the coolest daughter on the planet if you had a private talk with your dad about this. The reason it feels personal when she puts down her own body is because you look so much like her, and you feel like it's aimed at you, too. It isn't. Hopefully, your mom will get through this — parents can have "stages" just like kids. I suppose I should add the politically correct "How about if the whole family takes up a sport together, such as bike riding?" That is a good idea, of course. Being more fit is a plus, whatever weight you are. Your mom is not moaning in front of the mirror because she doesn't feel "fit." She's moaning because she doesn't feel pretty or desirable. You guys can rock out the exercise if you want to, but this is more about feelings from the inside. And you, girlfriend, are your own person, not your mom.

Hey, Cherie!

OK, I know this is weird. I mean, really, really weird, like, maybe I'm some kind of freak. This is not a joke. I love balloons. I love how they smell, how it feels blowing them up and I love rubbing them all over myself. I only do this when I'm alone, and after I rub the balloon all over myself, I just have to pop it. Then it looks like a condom. Well, I've actually never seen a condom, except in the movies. I don't know why I love balloons so much. How do I stop this? I even feel weird if I go to a birthday party. Oh, I'm a boy, and I'm almost 13. Thank you.

— Loony for Balloony

Hey, Loony!

Tough call here. I get letters every week where kids try to make up something to see if they can get a reaction out of me. You could be shining me on, Loony. I'm really not sure, but there are lots of people who get pleasure from objects that are not usually associated with sexual pleasure. So even if you made this up, someone out there is reading it and thinking, "Oh my gosh! I'm not the only one!" It doesn't really matter if balloons turn you on. Seems pretty harmless, unless a girl is wearing them. A girl I knew wore dozens of purple balloons to a costume party once and she was supposed to be a bunch of grapes. Let's hope you two never run into each other.

Cherie Bennett is a best-selling author of books and plays for teens and young adults. To find out more about Cherie Bennett and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.